Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I love my "Mom Curves"!

I've always been "big". I was born 8lbs 7oz, 21 inches long. I'm now 5'8" and 172lbs. Before I had my daughter I was 150lbs, and it took a LOT to keep me that little. I was worrying my family and friends because I just don't look healthy at 150, my bones stick out. My ideal weight for my body is around 160.

Once I got pregnant I figured I'd love my body. I mean, I'm growing a human being! What's not to love, right? Wrong. My body never looked pregnant to me. I have a very hard time seeing myself as I am, as others see me. I always look bigger than I actually am. Once Emi was 5 months old I joined Weight Watchers. I was doing it with my step mom. I lost some weight, which some of came back once I stopped. But I realized something that was more important than weight loss. My step mom complained about her body a LOT. In front of my child. She weighs herself daily. Eats poorly, and wonders why her butt is huge(hello genetics!).

I realized that I didn't want my daughter to feel that way. I wanted her to be happy in her body no matter what her weight. And so I started changing my perceptions. I am beautiful. My body created a human being. My breasts have nourished a human being for almost twenty months. I will never be a size 11 again. I'm okay with that. I'm working on getting healthy at the weight I am now. If I end up loosing some weight, great. But I'm not focused on that. It's taken me a year to change the way I look at everything, and it's still a work in progress. I still binge eat, and I know that's not healthy. I still have a hard time getting out and moving. I still look in the mirror sometimes and wonder why I can't be thin like my sister. But most of the time I love myself, just as I am. Fat and all.

Lots of women think that they don't have enough milk to breastfeed successfully. 98% of those women are having perceived low supply. Not an actual one. Lots of women think they're fat, but again it's a perceived fatness. Not actual. Not everyone is catwalk thin, especially after having kids. That's not a bad thing. Lots of women think they look old too, but it's not that they look old, it's that celebrities are getting face lifts and looking "younger" (plastic). In 1960 a 20 year old looked like what a 35 year old does now. It's perception. (I'm rambling now, sorry)

I hear you on feeling tired, and I think once you rule out a physical problem(thyroid, etc) that getting out and moving is going to help that. Put on some music and dance with your kids. Fifteen minutes, twice a day. If nothing else it will get your blood moving and it will be fun for you and your kids. Don't over do it, just keep moving. I find it hard to do with ONE child, so I don't know how you do it with four. Whoops, wrote a book. Sorry.

That was a post I made in a group. A woman was complaining that she was fat. She wanted to be back at 130lbs and she's 5'10". The first post I made mentioned how I wanted to hit her upside the head. I figured that wasn't productive and deleted it. All day today I've been bombarded with images of women before and after weight loss, of diet pills and fad diets. I'm out in the country and I don't have TV. But the internet is more than enough. And magazines. I picked up a copy of Good Housekeeping and 90% of what is in there is related to weight loss! Not even healthy living, but specifically weight loss. I'm disgusted. I'm saddened. I want better for my daughter. I've spent most of my life with disordered eating, and a good chunk with an eating disorder. This weight obsessed nation needs to get a clue. How is it that we are, as a nation, obese but dying, literally dying to be thin? It hurts my brain to try and wrap around it.

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